If you’re one of the very lucky or unlucky ones, you might hit rock bottom one day. For me it did not take much form in my outside life. No major life changes or bankruptcies. My companies did fine, thanks to the people I have around me. No relationships to fall apart. No children to take care of.
I have very little duties in my life, besides trying to stay alive, paying taxes and trying to do something that makes money in the companies I work and own parts of.
I just had had enough. And with that pushed my psyche with all the frustration and know-how I had. I pushed so far that something essential which had held it together, fell apart. My core-safety-survival-belief-system was tossed out of the window. Certainly was lost and the freefall began. You could call it psychosis or process of awakening,
It does not really matter. To my understanding they are one and the same. I remember reading about it at that time. And they sure as hell sound like the same.
As an afterthought I notice that I had the resources to come out of it intact, but different. Probably because I had read, gone to therapy, worked on myself, “self-improved” and dabbled with meditation for the last 15 years. Trying to solve my “problems”. Which is just another subtle form of avoiding facing the really hard stuff.
Luckily I had intense 6 month period of daily meditation, before the fall begun. It made my awareness quite stable. It enabled me to observe my mind breaking. Watch it from a meditative perspective.
So I was aware that I am going insane.
I knew that what I am experiencing is outside the realm of normalcy. Without that awareness, it would have been pure untold horror. Instead of watching my ego rattle in the cage, I would have been just stuck in that cage with it.
When “you” lose control of “you”, it is hard thing to face.
It was pure untold horror and occasional feelings of utter superiority. I felt like a god or some supreme being sometimes. Most of the time it was pain in different forms. Awareness just gave some distance so the whole process did not shatter me completely. I could breathe inside the process. Sometimes less, sometimes bit more.
So I just watched what was happening. I just had no way of knowing what it is. For first 3 weeks I felt more alive than I had ever felt in my entire life. My body felt like a furnace. There was so much energy I could not sleep properly.
I did not use any legal or illegal drugs to make this happen (for some that might be wondering)
So it was freefall to unknown; Insanity. First year it was mostly pain. Everything I had just backed to cellar of my mind started walking out. Hell. Months on end off guilt or anxiety. Physical symptoms. Even having my senses being out of sync now and then.
I am not sure is it wise to tell you all this. I am basically confessing that, I don’t really fit into definition of what is considered to be a sane person.
After first 1,5 years it started gradually getting… well not easy, but more bearable. And after years and years my ability to enjoy life with more depth than ever before started to return. It is sixth year of this now.
Process is by no means done. Destroying chains of the past, growth and diving deeper into my own psyche is a process for the rest of my life. Peeling onion is cliche, but it is like that.
It is layers and layers of conditioning. Traumas. Lessons learned. And next layer might be completely different from the previous one. This is the one I had when I was 4. And then happened x and by fifth year it was already something else. So reaction, to reaction, to reaction and so on.
For me it has process filled with resistance. I wanted this and yet it was the thing I least wanted. If I had known forehand what was to come, I would have opted for something else. Luckily I did not.
And as time passes that is the only thing that is actually interesting. Everything else in your life is just a mirror to see yourself more clearly. Work. Relationships. Hobbies. Goals. Meetings with people on the same journey. People who can teach you something or are further in the process.
What will doing this make me understand of myself? What can I learn?
It might sound horrendously selfish. “You only think about yourself”.
Finally. Less worrying about others.
Difference is, that when I honestly put myself first with that comes also the ability to care about others. I care because I feel like caring, today. I care because that seems to be part of my nature. I don’t like it always, but I cannot deny it either. So despite my best efforts I am doomed to give a fuck of some things, sometimes. Luckily I don’t have to care about most of things. Since they are outside my sphere of influence and interests for now.
It all used to be trade. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. Now It has this “well I feel like doing this so, I am going to”
It has no specific goal since I don’t know what I am aiming for exactly. Hell. I don’t know my own motivations anymore which gives interesting twist to life. If I don’t know what the hell I am doing, everything has new feel to it.
This might happen to you in some way as well. It seems to have unique qualities for everyone. No matter the form, it probably goes like this: you arrive to place where what ever has worked so far, does not work anymore. What got you here, won’t take you any further. You’re done.
You as you know yourself, is done.
And you might hate it. You might hate it with every ounce of your being. Well hate it with the parts of the being that are known to you, for now. Since you are probably only beginning to discover who you really are or might be. The fragile shell that you have thought to be yourself and your life to be is starting to shake and crumble.
Maybe your whole life is based on upholding something that is not really you. And out of the window goes everything you have built so far. Or not. Or maybe just parts of it. Or parts of it go and then they come back. They look they same but are not.
And as “you” and “your life” falls to pieces and turns to dust in your front of your very eyes, it should come with realization that despite I am losing everything I seem to value, I am still here in some form.
So maybe I am not all that what I thought I am.
So to anyone else who is dabbling there territories; if you’re going through hell. Keep going. And when it gets so painful that you don’t know how to continue, try to make it to tomorrow.
And with this I will start writing again.