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I have felt like shit for so long that at some point I kinda stopped thinking it would be otherwise or change in any meaningful way.

But now it seems I have an opportunity to make a move towards good times. Maybe dust off few self-help books or something and start setting goals for myself. Work on myself. Improve my mindset and all that. Get to know interesting people, build relationships.

And I hate it. I don’t care.

Everything is kinda ready. Companies are grinding out positive cashflow. I am healthy. I have plenty of room to maneuver. And what do I do with all that?

Well nothing.

I fall into passivity and end up wasting most of my time. The most precious resource we have and very limited one. You never know when the one-way-bus called death comes for and tells you to hop along. Your time is up motherfucker, you’re dead.

I know I should be out there making a name for myself and building something. But instead of that I just go fuck it all. Who cares. I certainly don’t.

Should I care about your approval? The praise or admiration I might get from you when you project your own shit to me and imagine me being something that I am not.

Fuck you.

Anyway, I think it is fear. Fear of dreaming, fear of succeeding. Fear of people paying attention and that attention turning negative somehow.

I don’t do well without problems to be fixed. My motivations so far has stemmed from getting away from negative stuff, trying to solve my own issues. Without that I don’t move much. Like the stick that has been beating me is gone and I don’t have anymore motivation to move.

I feel like some donkey who has been pulling a cart for his entire life and suddenly that cart is removed and whipping stops. So the donkey does not know what to do.

I think this is what people call fear of success. All these possibilities and all I can think of, is nothing.

Watch me waste my life one moment at the time.