I have had desire of expressing myself more for a long time and that is the reason why I am pouring life into this blog. I enjoyed the last time I had intensive spur of writing, but I guess the insanity of that period left me quite weary and scared.
Shit, I was going to places and with fast pace back then.
There are all kinds of fears around publishing. What if nobody cares? What if everything I say is stupid? What if my grammar sucks (It probably does). What if I write and pour my heart out and nobody pays any attention?
What if I realize that I am way more insane than I think I am?
Maybe I am just fucking boring? Just pouring my own ramblings here like most of the internet. I know from sales perspective that it is not very interesting to just talk about yourself. I am not famous enough to be interesting as myself.
Or so I think.
And all of those can be true. It is risky business to publish thoughts. It might show some obvious gaps in my opinions or my way of forming my thoughts. Maybe I am not as smart as I think I am. Or maybe I am not better than everyone else.
Fuck, surely that cannot be true. Since all of you suck. Especially you. You fucking suck.
Maybe I am just an average piece of shit like everyone else. Most likely it is so, since I don’t excel too much anything. I wish I would have been child-prodigy in something.
But I was not. I was abused lonely little creep with very little tools to deal with life. Luckily it is not so anymore. I still feel the echo of it on daily basis.
I like to think myself as logical person, but does that hold water either? It is not very easy for a human to be consistent and congruent with our actions and words. We are most irrational and only make elaborate excuses after our stupid actions to make up for the fact that we don’t have a fucking clue, why we do what we do.
I don’t know why I am writing. This feels like effort. And pointless.
Despite it, I plan to write some more. I hate this non-natural flow of things. I FEEL things should be easy, despite I know them not to be. Most things that have any value require some effort.
Despite that I seem to feel that way. Surprising that my thoughts and emotions don’t match (not).
I guess I have to ramble a bit before I get anything more useful done. Until then my dear reader, you just have to suffer.